Sex, Dating & Body Counts: Why My Number Doesn't Matter To Me Anymore

Somewhere along the line when I was dating I came up with this idea that I would be married before I had sex with a certain number of men. I didn't exactly know where that thought came from or why I had come to this conclusion that my number of sexual partners was so important but it was.

As I dated more,  every time the conversation of being intimate with my partner came up I had a mini panic attack. I would frantically begin the count in my head, recapping everyone I had had sex with. Making sure I was still far enough away from "my number" just in case he wasn't "the one".

You know....ensuring that I still had enough wiggle room.

It made every sexual experience so heavy and stressful it was no longer about pleasure or connecting. It be came a game...how many spaces do I have left to fill before I get to the end? Does every sexual act count? What about that one time I said no? What happens if I get to the end of my spaces and I don't have my husband? What does that say about me?

*sigh* we all come up with ideas about ourselves. Ideas about who we want to be, experiences we want to have and how we want to be seen, or should I say how you have been told you should be seen by the world.

And sometimes those things don't always align, especially if your a woman. 

All of this was amplified after my most recent 3 year relationship ended.

 When I thought about dating or looking for someone else to be with, I started getting filled with anxiety not because I was worried about if I would ever find a husband or if anyone would ever want me (though both of those things were very scary thoughts) but I was actually more concerned with the idea of having sex with more people and passing my number!

If I were to have sex with someone else and they didn't wind up being my husband and I passed my number...I would feel like a failure.  That I had set a goal for myself...and I failed to obtain it.

Not realizing I had set myself up for failure in setting an unrealistic goal. Guiding how you date or who you date by a number of sexual partners? Thats not even how sex or love for that matter works.

Recently I realized that my goal actually had nothing to do with finding a husband or purity or numbers. It had EVERYTHING to do with theres ideas and ideologies that I had about sex and what having sex with more than a certain amount of people meant about me.

The limit that I had set for myself was actually not a "you should be married by then" but it was a "you're a hoe if you have more than this many partners" I had listened to so many stories and heard so many opinions on this double standard of guys having sex with numerous females and being "the man" and girls being labeled dirty, undesirable or a hoe if they have sex with anything even close to the same amount of guys. So much so that I believed it with no regard to what my actual opinions were.

I had written myself into a box based around other peoples opinions of me. I had completely restricted my sexual freedom, my self acceptance and was actively ruining my self esteem every time I got closer to that magic number.

So last night while laying in bed realizing all this I got mad...SUPER mad...but at myself. Why do I actively listen to these little voices. Why do family members, the media or friends get to decide how I feel about myself or my worth or what is right or wrong for me and my body? Why did I adopt their ideologies? Why do I care so much about what they think of me? Why doesn't my opinion matter?

And I HATE that this is not even just a ME issue that this is such a huge issue in the female community as a whole. These expectations that other people have of us, these images they paint in their head about who we are or who we should be, what we should wear, what we should do, what we should look like who we should or shouldn't have sex with are constantly limiting our potential, our self esteem, our ambition and goals and happiness in life.

So often women choose to live their lives off of the numbers game. No matter if it be about how many people you sleep with, how many degrees you get, how much money you make or how successful you are. If its more than a man or comparable we worry about emasculating them or that our success or our freedom and opinions will leave us undesirable. 

And as women when we play this game we are only setting up ourselves, because at the end of the day no matter how we make other people feel if we do not fulfill and make ourselves happy we are the ones that lose. 

*sigh* I said all this to say do what you want, make yourself happy, sex doesn't define who you are, as long as you're safe...you're good. Dont be afraid to explore and experience YOUR LIFE and who you are.

Remember no number will make or break you & any man that judges you by your number of sexual partners isn't worth being chosen by. So let the choices you make for yourself be based on what YOU want because the more you play the Numbers Game and live for other people the less you will actually live.

Since I turned 27 Ive been doing a lot of self reflection and laying in bed last night unable to sleep these were the thought that ran through my mind. I hope that this post helps shift the way you see yourself. that it helps you embrace what you have been ignoring. That if you had these thought about numbers even beyond sex, no matter if its success, money or happiness that this makes you feel less alone and more empowered to make change. 

Dont limit yourself.

At 27 I no longer want to limit myself, this will be my age of E. It will be all about me Embracing, Exploring, Evolving and Enjoying.

Below if you are open to sharing please comment & let me know how you feel about women limiting themselves to fulfill expectations of others or women and sex and The Numbers Game.

Until Next Time,

XO Deanna