We broke up: 6 Valuable Lessons I learned From "Losing Love"

Yup...thats right, we broke up.

I mean you could have guessed it, all the normal breakup signs were there.

There have been no Bae updates, he's not on my Snapchat anymore, I haven't posted him on The Gram and he damn sure hasn't been on the blog. Hell I haven't even been on the blog and its partially due to the breakup.

To be very honest...I took it all pretty hard, I'm the type who puts everything into a relationship. I can become so clouded by the whole thing that if things go left...when I'm sitting here thinking things are going right (literally I didn't even see it coming) it hits me like a Mac truck...and I'm not talking about one that holds Makeup or Laptops which would have been so much better -___-

However after one very "honest" phone call and a come to Jesus moment with my bestie my devastated outlook on the ending of our relationship has been flipped and I'm in a much better place.

For once...I feel like I'm able to see the lesson's to be learned from our
 ending and how it all leads to a new beginning.

TALK ABOUT PERSONAL GROWTH BITCH!

And that what I'm here to share with you...the 6 lessons I learned from losing love.



Every time I've been broken up with, I've felt like my life was over. That God was playing some evil game with me and that this was a sign that I didn't deserve the happy ending that I had envisioned with this Man boy.

I was sure God wanted me to be single as punishment...but God has a funny way of giving you what you ask for and then only leaving you with what you need and sometimes thats just a lesson and not a man.

The worst part about that is im super hard on myself, when things fall apart I blame myself solely although in most cases it takes two to ruin a good thing. I beat myself up and find it hard to see the good in goodbye.

This time...to start was no different

He said- "I just know you're not the one for me"...ouch *checks for pulse*...yea, no..she's dead.

That line killed me but I sat there and took it like a champ. I didn't even flinch...even though I could hear my heart breaking and my mind raced replaying every good memory from our 8 month stint and even more from the year we talked prior. I saw my hopes of a future with a man who clearly gave no fucks about my feelings at this point melt away...

But how did we get here?

I was completely caught off guard when the initial break up phone call (yes phone call) came that Thursday night. I remember it was Thursday around 7:30 because I was waiting for Grays Anatomy to come on, when he delivered the message that left me stunned...which leads me into lesson 1.

LESSON 1: Communication Is Key.

This is important for both parties.

The crazy thing about this lesson is we actually communicated very well with each other, apparently except for when it mattered about him communicating his feelings.

He was unable to voice the issues he had with me and our relationship. Even though I would frequently "check in" and ask things like "hey...are there things I do that bug you about me or you don't like about us"? His responses would always be general and he was never able to give examples or reasons as to why he was "bothered" by things. So rarely did there come a time where I or we were able to understand or fix what was happening.

Ultimately his inability to communicate lead to his frustrations building about my behaviors he didn't like and damaging the relationship. Something that could have been a simple fix grew out of control. Interestingly enough, one of his major complains about his ex was her inability to communicate with him *blank stare* and how that led to frustrations for him, arguments and ultimately their break up. 

Projection is a hell of a thing.

While i'd love to get off scot free on this topic and think of myself as an excellent communicator, thats not always the case and admitting flaws is a key to changing them. I shy away from topics and hold back when it comes to me and my anxiety. I've never had someone try to actually be a helpful support system when it came to my anxiety so when he did I didn't know how to voice "hey it's amazing what you're doing. Thank you, I love it and you for it...but you may not get the reaction you expect from me because I don't know how to receive your help yet"

Him communicating what bothered him or where I could improve to help better us and me letting him know that while I appreciate his help he won't be able to "fix" everything which is ok and sometimes its not even what I needed would have saved a lot of headaches.

Lesson 2: Learn To Love Someone For Who They Are

...not who you want them to be.

I'll admit like most women, I had a list. He has to be this tall, he has to like this type of stuff, he has to look like this and if he doesn't. I DONT WANT HIM!

Girl...God don't work like that. When I met him, I knew he was cute and that I was attracted to him but there were things about him that didn't match my "list" while some were petty (purely physical) others were deeper personality traits (which come up in the next lesson). Either way over time while getting to know someone and falling for them you start to realize that those little check marks on a list don't matter when it comes to love.

While he may not have been exactly what I was looking for on paper...I began to meet him where he was and I learned to love him the way he was. Down the line as we grew together I was even able to overcome something about him that almost caused a hiccup in our relationship that I would have never thought I could (no hoe, he didn't cheat *insert eye roll*) But I was able to overcome it because I had fell for the complete person he was and not little bullet points. I was more invested in the thought of preserving the relationship because I saw him and accepted him as a whole...flaws and all.

I guess...that was not a shared emotion *shade*

Lesson 3: Dont Ignore The Signs 

Lets be clear...even though I'm promoting meeting people where they are, growing past your shallow ideals of what a "perfect" relationship is or should be and actively working to make things last when they SHOULD.

I am also not a stranger to the harsh reality of most relationships-- which is, people often ignore the signs the universe, God or intuition (whatever you believe) sends letting us know a person may "not be the one" simply to keep love in our life.

Do I feel like this happened with us? 

Maybe.

Like I mentioned in lesson 2 there were a few things about him that didn't coincide with my "list guy". The major one was he was selfish...not in a malicious or intentional way but one that effected how he treated me in regards to my feelings.

 He would often easily agree to do things even if it would include me or effect our time together without consulting me at all. He'd automatically assume that if he felt like doing something I would too conversely if he didn't feel like doing something (even coming to visit) that was all that mattered. More often than not his wants outweighed all and to put it simply he had not mastered working as a unit. Which also leads into huge issue number two, had never been in a long term relationship. All situations prior to me were 3, 5 and 9 months (in high school) and one was long distance. 

This scared the crap out of me...I knew the chances of emotional maturity were slim and in the back of my mind I was always worried of our failure because he wasn't used to working through issues, communicating and wouldn't have the understanding of the give and take relationships require.

But more than huge signs...pay attention to the signs that come as little whispers, they are often the most telling. Things like when your partner arrives you don't immediately hug them, rather you carry on with your normal tasks or forgetting important events with them and you're not a forgetful person...or maybe even noticing that you hold back with them in fear that you may "scare him off".

Don't blow off the signs to protect what you think is love.

Lesson 4: My Actions Can Effect How Others Feel About Me

Ok...lets put on our big girl panties and take some responsibility for this break up shall we? If you let me tell it, our relationship ultimately died in Paris. Crazy right? Where most people go to fall in love, we went to break up.

Not intentionally of course. Paris was super hard for me in regards to my anxiety and just as a person in general.

 It was my first time out of the country, my first time on a plane ride longer than 2 hours, our first time spending more than 3 full days together, I was the only one between the two of us that spoke french and felt constantly pressured to perform and ensure that we would remain safe and functioning, I was tired, physically from the walking and jet lag and mentally from constantly being pushed out of my comfort zone. Oh and lets not forget I was fighting falling absolutely in love with him because I was afraid he would decide to up and leave out of no where like my ex did. 

*insert dramatic pause* 

So lets just say...while there were good times in Paris, there were not so pleasant times too. I was irritable, my anxiety was at a level that even I had never seen it and at times I was harsh and mean. He saw me at my complete worst...out of no where and I am woman enough to say that shit was a lot. 

But what's that saying...if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best?

While this is true we must also be able to accept...how you are at your worst can change how someone views you and thats alright. Everyone is entitled to their feelings or a change of opinion. Just know sometimes that you can not take back your actions and if moving forward their new opinion of you is so fixed they no longer want to deal with you you have to accept it.

But, honey if thats the way it is they were not for you to begin with.

Lesson 5: Be More Open Minded To Change

I won't say I'm stubborn but...nah thats it, I just won't say it lol. 

I will say in the past for me, change wasn't easy and wasn't something I readily embraced. 

However I've come to know that its a necessity, there's nothing cute, appealing or admirable about someone who's the same person years later that they were when you met them. You cant grow without change and people were not meant to be stagnant creatures.

But not everyone believes people are capable of change.

He said, when discussing why getting back together was not an option: 

"Your anxiety is a lot to handle...but it's who you are, it won't change. I already know what its like to be with you, I don't want to do that again."

Wait...sooooo people just don't change....you're the same person at 28 that you were at 2? 

YUP YOU RIGHT! Not to mention "anxious me" was wasn't the entirety of our relationship...lol but I digress.

While you shouldn't expect change and you should accept people for who they are at this moment you can't limit their ability to grow...

His statement perplexed me even more because in instances where he did voice what he would like changed in our relationship, unlike with past lovers where I would push back I automatically addressed the issue because I had seen previously what being close minded could do to relationships.

I was a changed person without him even realizing because he didn't know who I used to be....

Pro-tip: Everyone changes...it just depends on when and how motivated they are to change for them or you.

 At other points in our relationship when I noticed there were things he liked, even if I was not custom to doing them or had no interest in the topic or idea it didn't matter. I took an interest, video games, computer talk...I tried new things, I stepped outside of my comfort zone...

Hell take Paris for example, I always wanted to travel however I knew my anxiety would kick my ass and never thought it would be possible so I didn't even get a passport. But when we got together and I found out he was into traveling...guess who went and got a passport. The trip may have not been ideal but being open to that change for him...got me to leave the country and has motivated me to plan more trips because I now want to see more and know I can.

Other changes? I now see a therapist once every other week to help manage my anxiety and work through bettering myself something I had invested in prior to us dating but fell off due to time.

People change they just have to be open to it and you have to be open to see that change is a possibility.

Lesson 6: Its About Compromising Not Settling

Hopefully you have made it all the way to lesson 6 because I honestly think its the most important lesson learned.

There were very few things in our relationship that I felt were deal breakers. Matter of fact...there was really only one. 

QUALITY FUCKING TIME... that was the thing I constantly mentioned needed fixing.  

For us this was partially situational. Since we were "long distance" and we both work full time jobs with extracurricular commitments our time together was limited which made it even more valuable to me. In total we would see each other on the weekend and late in the evening one day a week. Now while ideally I would have liked to have spent those days on our own...things rarely played out like that. 

We had very different views on what "quality time" meant, to me it was him and I using the time we were together in person to build our relationship and bond...to him if I was siting next to him as he played a video game or while at family or friend outing that counted.

After voicing my concerns and still spending two months plus of weekends filled with family events & going out with friends (even if the plan was originally just us) and no quality time spent and no change in sight. I often found myself upset and could have called it quits right then. But instead I looked at the entirety of the relationship, pushed my needs off and deiced this would just be a compromised I had to make. 

Every guy can't be perfect right? 

The issue was quality time for me is a must, its my main love language so this wasn't compromise...this was settling without negotiation and I was not happy about it.

In the long run...would I have been able to deal with only seeing my boyfriend basically 2 days a week and constantly sharing those two days with others? Probably not. Would I have broken up with him? Probably not. Because I would have continued to think I was compromising for the greater good...but I would have never been happy.

Recognize compromise...both parties lose and gain something. Recognize settling...you just lose in hopes to find happy.

Aaaaaaaaaand we too cute for that boo LOL

DISCLAIMER: By no means was I against hanging out with his friends or his family. I actually loved his friends and family. But when your relationship is confined to phone conversations and 2 days a week finding moments to bond and build are huge.

Final Thoughts:

All in all while it sucks to go through a break up, there is so much to learn from them and while you may not be able to see the light or the lesson when it first happens. Give yourself time to heal, take a step back and try to see the bigger picture.

You'll soon be able to see how you've changed from being in the relationship, you'll know the things you can't put up with and you'll even see the things you still need to work on to be a better partner and person.

Also never be ashamed of who you are, you may have a little bit of baggage but God is not through with you yet!

And at the end of the day...the best way to deal with it all is knowing that this is not the end. If this relationship didn't work out, know that God has someone else for you or maybe that person will come back around when you're both better versions of yourself.

On a personal note...I didn't write this to bash my ex, he's actually a sweetheart, I love him dearly and he's an amazing person...maybe just not amazing for me. 

I wrote this in hopes to help those who may be doubting the journey or hurt by what they are going through right now. Please know you're amazing and you're not alone <3

Feel free to comment below with lessons that you learned from your last relationship to help others going through a break up.  Or just leave inspirational words, ask questions etc.

Until Next Time,

XO Deanna